Last night, I played a show with my band (Dopamine Flux) at the Beauty Bar in Las Vegas. It’s been such an incredibly difficult journey and months of preparation to finally get down to playing it, and now that it’s all over. I think it’s important to reflect on what the hell happened.
When my father died I was in high school. I decided that I was going to stop trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be, and find the thing that I wanted to be, and do that.
Years later, I found out it was music. I started playing guitar at age 23. I’m 27 now. I’ve finally figured out my reason for living, a way to express myself, and make myself happy and so I started slowly building on that. Purely focus on that. Since then.. I’ve found like minded people. Started a decent band, and blew it up for a minute.
The process has never been easy. I’ve learned important things like:
The people around you are wealths of knowledge if you TRULY learn to pay attention to them. Everybody has something important to teach.
Trust in people, even though they can break your heart. Everything worthwhile in life is surrounded in risk.
If you have strong bonds and friendships it can help you if you don’t have the money to pay people or for equipment.
Also, Stick to your guns if you want to be a leader, your decisions will be constantly tested. Show no fear, and be confident, and your team will build off of your inner strength. People learn by example.
The memory can hold a ton of information, but you need to constantly work on the strength of your mind.
Push, persistance, patience, rinse, repeat.
Anyways, I never got a proper SCHOOL education. Never went to college. I’m self-taught in everything. Taught myself how to play guitar, how to dj, how to cook, how to work on computers, build websites. Everything that I’m good at in life I taught myself. The best way that I can explain how I do that is simple. Fail. Keep on failing, fail fail fail and learn from your mistakes.
Last night. I got my band to play 10 covers of some of my favorite songs. James Brown’s Get up, get into it, get involved. The Incredible bongo band’s version of Inna gadda da vida. Babe Ruth’s The Mexican. Lonnie Liston Smith’s Expansions. It was a truly satisfying to perform such classic songs that mean a lot to me. I don’t know how everyone else felt about it. Or the people who were there, but I’m so happy that we pulled it off.
Sort of. We missed sound check. I had trouble with the speedy scales on the Mexican. We had some rough speaker issues on the first half of the set, I promoted the night badly and there was hardly any people there. I even made a flyer, and didn’t even get to show it to anybody.
So I’m not sure I ruined my relationship with that venue but most likely. Recently I’ve just been uncontrollably ruining my relationships with all people.
My mind is just elsewhere man. I just can’t focus even on the thing it is that I’m doing in the moment as I’m doing it anymore. My heart is broken. I miss my ex-gf Anna. Who one day woke up and just realized that she didn’t love me. The fact that I may never see her again depresses me, because I still love her.
At this point in my life for me it’s come down to, Music or death. Last night’s show was both a VICTORY and a FAILURE. I want to make this music thing happen, but I know it’s out of reach. I quit my job, and now there is no work, and no money. I’m pulling all the stops trying to keep the whole ship afloat, but it’s sinking and It’s my duty as captain to go down with the ship.
I feel very selfish. I know that I’m the person who could make all of this happen, and that I’m doing the right thing in life. Just don’t feel capable to finish what I started. I don’t want to lose these friendships with these musicians because of my stubbornness. My heart is relentless and dedicated. The truth is this music is all that I have to live for. I’m only happy doing music.
Honestly I don’t know why it’s so hard for me right now. The world feels like it’s conspiring against me, and the more I try. The more it weighs on my soul. You know that feeling you get when your doing something right, and life moves like water. You being merely a leaf floating down the stream. I don’t feel that. I feel like a selfish asshole fucking with the way things should be.
Growing up in Las Vegas you learn things like:
Nothing is random
The house always wins.
The most important thing in gambling is KNOWING WHEN TO GET OUT.
If you confidently pretend to be something you are not. People will believe you until you just become that thing.
Have a strong poker face, because showing emotion is the biggest sign of weakness.
I’ve gained a lot of wisdom at the expense of the misery of the people closest to me. I could easily blame it on the economy. Or the other musicians. The Las Vegas music scene. The over-saturation of musician’s in 2010. The death of the record companies. I’ve never made any money from the 4 years of me making music. Money has never been my goal.
I just want to be happy, make some funky music, and be the best Diego I can be.
I try not to be ignorant, but I’ve got this nasty feeling of saudade weighing down on my soul. I’m not sure I can go on with this life any more. I’m lost.
We got another show tonight, and it might honestly be our final show. I guess Tony Robbins is right, ultimately my decision will determine my destiny. I’m just trying to figure out what it is I’m supposed to do. Well wish me luck.
Any Advice? … yup, Thats what i thought.
Alright you 38 followers. If you like the this little site as much as I do. Help me get it featured in the TUMBLR Music directory. Thanks man/mama.
Was just watching footage from the John Sinclair Freedom rally on Dangerous minds, and was surprised by this little Stevie wonder performance.
Stevie was obviously paying attention to Sly’s music as he covers Vanetta stones odd proto funk drum machine fueled cut, “Somebody’s watching you.”
Man, I love Youtube for clips like this. This footage absolutely blows my mind. I love the music, the culture, and the style of these people. I love that Dirty white dude with the sloppy afro busting out a nasty guitar solo just after the cute cockeyed girl looks into the camera. I love the little chubby kid (Bobby allende? WOW!) killing it on the congas. Check out more Frankie Dante footage after the Jump.